STOP IT...I SAID STOP IT

Its 1.50am now. Yes. I'm suppose to be in bed sleeping for my TVC shoot in the morning. I just can't help it but feeling wide awake and sad at the same time.

I always do things without realizing. Mostly when it comes to something like I'm not happy or something, I just keep doing the same thing. And the worse thing? I keep going on about it...even via SMS I keep doing it. Fuck, I so hate that about me. Why can't I just keep my freaking mouth shut? Fluffy's probably right, I keep doing the same thing over and over.

Enough is enough. I have to fucking stop what I'm doing. I keep doing this, and where is this bringing me to? Getting people around me fed up. Look at me. I'm making people unhappy. Why? Cos of my stupid self.

I didn't mean anything most of the time. But with a slip of the tongue, or thought, that's it. I just killed everything. I just killed the one closest to me tonight. I made him unhappy. I made him not wanting to talk to me, and I still wanna go on even onto SMSes. I guess all I wanted to do was tell him how I felt and clarify things. But look what it brought me. I never do things right. Why does it keep ending up this way?

Tonight's conversation ended when needed. When he needed to make a call. It was good, cos we might end up fuming away. I smsed him instead to apologize an it didn't work. He didn't want to accept my apology. He said I keep doing it to him even in SMSes. Then I finally made the decision to leave him alone for the night. He only replied, "Ok dear have a good rest and fun later." I was sadden even more...I then just ask if I was seeing him as I was suppose to see him later for his performance. But, no reply.

Alright, I know. Stupid me. I should have just got the message that he doesn't wanna talk or reply. Why did I send that SMS? Stupid curiosity. Curiosity kills well.

I really missed him. I missed him so much. If he knew. I have not seen him for a week already. Cos of this, look what I've done. It's alright. I probably deservedfor what I've done. And yes. Leaving him for the night is better. I don't think he should hear another word from me cos I might strike him again by accident. I already did that numerous times carelessly.

From him,I learned alot. I learned to be more patient, learn to see my mistakes, learn to understand many things. Learn to understand him as well. I am still trying to self improve. I have improve a little bit over the time.I still need to improve more. He himself has somethings to improve perhaps. We both need to. We both have improve so much over the past 2 years. It's really great to see us both doing well, eventhough there have been many bad hiccups. Like the one I just created here.

I hope the night passes by soon to let it be dawn for me to head for my shoot.

I missed him...I miss his care. I missed hugs and laughter...

Caressing my pillow...hoping it'll help me to sleep better.

I learned another lesson today. I learn something for myself. It's good...

Let my head rest please. That's all I'm asking for now...