Not...Wanted?

Is that just a feeling?

Do you have a time when you just feel you're actually not really wanted? Or times when you feel that you're not really that friend that you want to be? Or be someone that people will look for when they need an ear to listen or when they want advices? Or, when they want your company because they enjoy your company? Or, when you just need someone to talk to, you can go to them for some sharing and advices?

The answer?

For me? YES.

It doesn't need to be big stuffs or anything. I do admit, that at times I do feel it but never say it out. What's the point when there wouldn't really be anyone there to listen to it? Its like talking to the air...just empty spaces.

All my life, I just want to be that someone that people would look for- whether its for company, to advices, or someone to just talk to. I want to be the best of the friend to all of my friends. But somehow...something always just doesn't seem what you expect or hoping to be. I don't hop to be the best of friends with everyone of course. I would, however...love to feel present at times. I just realize that maybe I'm someone who is not really needed? Or perhaps...a lousy company?

Maybe it is.

I know, I don't have the best of character. Perhaps I still have lots to improve. Ohh, wait. Everyone always has room for improvement. Yes, that's true. I have lots to improve, lots to really change for which is for the better.

I know. I need to change for the better.

• Firstly...I have to just stop repeating stuffs at times. I know that I have made Fluffy unhappy by repeating stuffs too many times. I'm really sorry for that dear.

• I know that I have to cut down on thinking too much. At times, the mind just runs like a water that flows. It just keeps flowing and flowing and flowing. Its bad, cos it gets me thinking things that are not necessary & that are not true.

• I have to stop my BITCHY side. It seems that I have to improve on that. I bet most people just hates me for that. Even I hate myself for that. I was worse long time ago, I was even called a BITCH. Maybe there was a reason to it...I know, all of us have our BITCHY side of things. Or, I might have deserved that...?

•Watch what I say when I say things. At times, perhaps I say things without thinking. I hope that I have not offended anyone without realizing. I know I have offended Fluffy many many times already. So sorry for that Fluffy. To my parents. To my friends as well. Sorry for it...

• Stubbornness. Yes I can be damn stubborn. I need to self improve & listen at times to love ones advices & cares.

• Irritating. Yes, I can be an annoyance & an irritation.

• Talk less. Yes, I feel that I talked too much at times. I need to really cut down...everybody will get so tired of me...

• Interupter I am lately. Why can't I let people finish what they have to say before I say something? Ish, its only lately too!!

• Be more understanding. I want to be an understanding person. A more understanding person. Yes.

• Don't be so sensitive. Meaning, less emotional too.

Looks like I have a long list...

Its strange. You feel that at times you have done your best, but your best isn't good enough? Why? I have to try harder. Really. Not just harder. Really really hard.

I really feel so disappointed in myself sometimes that I can't be a good friend, a good listener, a good advisor, a great help. I perhaps...don't have the qualities of good friend? Still have lots to improve?

Perhaps, I need to smile more too? But then again...I'm always happy. When I'm down, I'm really down.

Yes. It might sound silly that I'm blogging about this. Especially after I had felt terrible about something someone had said. It just felt like I'm someone that cannot be depended on & not wanted. Perhaps, I just should not keep running to people. I keep going to people, wonder if that might be it? I should try keeping my distance & see if things get better?

In the end of the day, I just need to self improve.